Playing the Hats Off Game
Kim Willis

I am playing a game
with a group of strangers
on Zoom
It’s called Hats Off game
The Game Master invites us
to spend some time listing out
the different things that distract us
The idea is that we are to identify
the main thing that distracts us
from fully being with other people
or from doing the other things
we’re supposed to be doing in life
They clarify:
(The Game Master, “Sir,” prefers the pronoun They)
They clarify:
It’s the thing we’re always doing
rather than the thing we are meant to be doing
My number one thing
The thing I’m always doing
Rather than what I’m meant to be doing
Or, in addition to what I’m meant to be doing
Or, what I’d rather be doing
is
Well, I have this idea,
or this sense,
actually
So what I’m always doing is
looking for what is hiding in plain sight
And so I’m constantly looking out of the corner of my eye
and trying to figure out how to see it
I’m looking beyond what’s in front of me trying to see it
Trying to hear it, sense it
Trying to perceive what might be right here that’s being missed
Even now I’m doing it
While playing the Hats Off game
It’s like what I’m looking for
is the door in the hall of mirrors
The door that gets us out of here
The door that opens to the next glorious realm
This is an obsession of mine
This is my obsession
And strangely enough
sometimes I call what I’m doing,
I call what I’m looking for…
the slight of hand…
“The Hat Trick”
So it’s interesting to be looking for the hat trick
while playing the Hats Off game
The Game Master invites to
put this thing that we do
this thing we do rather than doing what we appear to be doing
on our bodies
and look at it
I feel very anxious about this
stressed out even
Don’t f*ck with my obsession, Sir
Don’t play games with my game
I can feel, already
how this game works,
you know, like
Here I am looking for a secret passageway
and then what?
I put a door on my arm
and walk through it?
I put a hat on my head and take it off?
F*ck you Game Master
No
It’s not going to be that easy
F*ck you, Sir
I am very uncomfortable
Mad even — a little bit
Annoyed at the very least
Don’t take this thing — this thing
that is Mine
my obsession
and turn it into something so
you know,
simple
It isn’t that simple of a game to play
It can’t be
so simple
But of course it is
And I don’t want to play
I want to discover that it’s simple by myself
Not in front of a group of strangers
I can feel just my
desire not to play this game
And it’s not a door anyway that I’m looking for
The door is just a metaphor
for the thing that’s hiding in plain sight
I don’t know what that thing is
It doesn’t feel like a thing anyway
And it’s not a hat
So, I settle down
And settle under
An invisibility cloak
That’s what hides what’s in plain sight, right?
The Game Master asks for volunteers
Is anyone willing to let us play with their “hat”?
Someone raises their hand
I don’t
We can ask questions
About the color, shape, sensation
We can ask questions about this thing on their bodies
They can tell us when to stop
They can tell us when their boundaries
have been crossed
The Game Master goes first to show us
Their nephew and niece are on their shoulders
Questions are asked:
Are they heavy?
How long have they been there?
Do they look up to you?
Do you feel responsible for them?
They hold their hands up and tell us to stop
Boundary crossed
A man raises his hand
He has a giant mouth on his face with clenched teeth
The teeth are white
Sparks fly from them sometimes
Questions are asked
He does not know what’s behind the teeth
He does not know the color of its tongue
A woman raises her hand
A wire coils through her body and comes out of the top of her head
She sleeps with it on
I do not ask her any probing questions
I do not want
to be
prodded
by other people’s minds
I am sitting quietly, watching
Underneath my invisibility cloak
I do not want my obsession trivialized
I’ve been at this game for a while now
I’m an expert
And I do not want
any careless questioners
I do not want others plucking away
partly
I don’t want someone else
to just see
this thing, my obsession
I don’t want it found
this way
Finally, we are running out of time
The Hats Off game is nearing its end
The Game Master invites us
to take our hats off together
A group hat removal ritual
They demonstrate
Hands to head
Mime taking off a hat
“Ta Da!”
They say
“Now everyone together”
They say
Muted on zoom
I say
Nope
Grrrr
No no no no nonononononono
Another level to
this ridiculousness
I don’t agree
F*ck F*ck
chhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
The invisibility cloak
My obsession
I grasp my distraction
My search for what is hiding in plain sight
For the sake of the Hats Off game
The cloak is covering me
It’s just for the sake of this game that it’s there
I assure myself
It’s just for the sake of this game that it’s my hat and that it’s covering me
I reassure myself
shwshwshwshwshwshwshw
whooshwhooshwhooshwhoosh
I am in a heightened state of annoyance
sensing what is coming next
Perhaps you can see it too
“Ready?” they say
“1”
nope, I hunch down under my cloak
“2”
ummmm
“3”
ffffffffffff
“Hats Off!”
I don’t agree
Fine, I agree
“Hats off” they say.
“Ta da!”
And that’s how you play the Hats Off game.
Kim Willis is seemingly still straddling the fence between trying to be someone and becoming nobody.